Captains Log, Stardate 12345.67

My 21st century dictionary claims a Trill is a rapid vibration of the tongue or uvula. But according to the Star Trek Encyclopedia, Trill are a joined species combined of a human host and a small vermiform symbiote that lives in an internal abdominal pocket of the host body.

You know that fine brunette on DS9 with the spots running down her head to god only hopes to know where? She's a Trill. These fine women (and old men) are hosts to a worm-like creature commonly referred to as a parasite. This is, of course, very similar to the phenomenon that causes you to take your dog to the vet once a year. Except when you get one of these worms inside you, instead of diarrhea and bloating, you end up getting this super cool entity who has all the memories of all the former hosts, as well as a melting pot of personalities that always seems to be some person with whom you'd be happy to spend all your free time.

Now, I've thought a lot about this phenomenon and there's just no way it would ever go down like that. When I hang out with my grandfather, all he ever does is babble about some event from the thrilling days of yesteryear that my high school history teacher with the sweat stains on all his shirts would have fled from. Imagine taking that same wizened grandfather and giving him several hundred years of experiences. I mean, I can hardly stand when my buddy tells me what he did last week, let alone what some science officer used to do 400 years ago. So you wonder, what would a real Trill sound like? "In my day we didn't have Starfleet we had.... No wait, we did have Starfleet but there was only one ship and it, wait hold on, we had a whole fleet of ships and we beamed down to planets and messed with the natives, no that's right, they fixed that." You get the point. Multiply that by several life times, and you've got mass suicide on your hands.

And how in the hell did this little tradition of slug stuffing get started in the first place?

"Hey Don - what you got there?"
"It's a really big slug Steve, check it out."
"Wow, will you look at the size of that thing? Gross! What are ya gonna do with it?"
"Hmmm, well, I think I'll slice a hole in my stomach and keep it in that internal abdominal pocket that I could never figure out what to do with."
"Hey, that's a great idea! I think I'll try it too!"

Weird.

I think the thing that bugs me most about Star Trek aliens is they leave us with so many more questions. Is having a Trill in you kind of like owning a really smart pet? Do Trill eroticize leeches just as thousands of pale black clothes wearing Goths have eroticized vampires?

When you're in the cafeteria and you say to a Trill, "Let's go get some grub," are they offended or do they just say they've already got one? When you take a Trill out to dinner, will it go into convulsions if you forget to mention you put salt on the food? And speaking of eating, how exactly does the excretion process work? When one of your buddies tells you you're full of shit, are they correct in more ways than one?

I wonder what Sigmund Freud would think of Trill. The fact that both the male and the female members of the race all petition to have a large fleshy phallic object placed in their abdominal cavities could not bode well for their collective super egos.

How equal is the relationship? Do Trill have to help around the house and clean up after themselves? I'd be pissed if out of the two of us, I were the guy who always got stuck doing the dishes. If I had an alien slug-beast living inside of me, I'd make it pay rent.

I would think it would be hard to grow up being a trill. Always getting made fun of by the other aliens who actually look alien. Or at least have some sort of forehead ridge rather than a Rorschach blotch ink pattern on the sides of their heads.

Okay, so what's the bottom line? You know, of all the "change the forehead call it an alien" beings on Star Trek I have to admit that I find the Trill intellectually to be one the coolest. Visually however they do leave something to be desired. Not that I have a problem looking at Terry Farrell or Nicole deBoer. They are both beautiful women to be sure. It's just the whole spot thing. I don't have anything against spots, mind you. (I often wonder if Worf ever had Jadzea bark like a dog for him.) It's just not very creative. As for the worm itself, at first I was skeptical. After all, the only previous worm they had on the show was Wesley, and we all know how that turned out.

Karl V. Miller
Captain

End Log.

Captains Log, Stardate 110603.9

Well it’s that time again boys and girls. I am sitting here in my darkened ready room just thinking about the band and all that's been happening to us in such a short period of time. We have gone from playing a few times a year to playing all the time in some of the best venues in town. We have been on TV here in Sacramento and in San Fransisco and will soon be in our first Motion Picture.

We even played that KWOD Radio event. Not too shabby for about 5 or 6 months of really trying to get out there.

And so as i sit here in all my sentimental glory, I just wanted to thank all you guys and girls who consistently come out to our shows to check us out. I can honestly say I have never seen a crowd for any local band like our crowd. Its sooo cool to just step away from the mike and hear you guys singing along as loud as I am with the microphone.

Bottom line... You guys rock.

And we shall continue to endeavor to raise the bar of our musical stylings. We shall continue to give back to you guys as much as you guys give to us. We shall continue to write songs about having sex with Star Trek characters until not a Star Fleet virgin is left! This I do swear to you!

Karl V. Miller
Captain

End Log.

Captains Log, Stardate 114702.04

You know what the problem is with the 24th century? They don’t know how to rock. Oh sure, there's music and all. Riker plays the trombone and Picard plays the flute. Instruments that are great if you’re into Dixieland Jazz and Frère Jacques but hard to play a good rock tune with. You know, in the hundreds of Star Trek episodes I've seen I have never once heard a good rock and roll song. Lots of Beethoven but no System of a Down, Oodles of Bach but no Bad Religion. The closest thing we get to Henry Rollins in Star Trek is William Riker and the closest thing we get to techno are the sounds data makes when he’s masturbating. Don’t you think it’s kind of strange that in the Star Trek universe, all the different nationalities and races are represented, but not the different styles of music? It’s like the human species decided to collectively throw away any songs that were written after the 14th century. That's a lot of good music gone to waste.

So the question remains, what happened to good old rock and roll in Star Trek?

It can’t be gone for lack of material. The very dangerous and chaotic nature of deep space makes that certain. Think of the inspired rock tunes one could write while waiting for the next Jem’Hadar assault wave or watching your girlfriend’s brain get sucked out of her buttocks by some sort of alien parasite.

Or maybe you just need to be emotionally disturbed to write good music. I know it works for Warp 11. But can everybody in the 24th century be that well adjusted? Hell, look at Captain Janeway. She’s so bitchy she makes Alanis Morrisette look like Carol Brady.

Maybe it’s Councilor Troi’s fault. It’s quite possible that because her lack of good guidance and generally irritating demeanor, all of the Kurt Cobains finally took themselves out of the gene pool.

It could also have something to do with sexual frustration or the lack thereof. I know the main reason I formed the majority of the bands in my youth was to get laid. But in the 24th century, who needs groupies when you have the holodeck? What with every pubescent teen virtually jacking off in his own private Playboy Mansion, its quite possible that they have lost the edge one needs to write a good self-destructive punk song.

Maybe rock and roll just gets too crazy when you introduce a few alien species into the mix. Especially some of the more excitable races. Slam dancing with Klingons is extremely dangerous. And for added horror it’s possible that a power-chord in E minor sounds exactly like the mating call of a Regulan Bloodworm. No good can come of it.

So what can we do to rectify this situation? Well I think someone has actually given it a half-assed shot in the past. Mick Fleetwood was on the Next Generation as a fish head alien. And John Tesh appeared in Worf’s re-celebration of his Age of Ascension Ceremony. Yeah great, all we're missing is now is Yanni as a Romulin commander and Kenny G in a special guest appearance as Kahless.

The bottom line is this, if it comes down to a perfect society or some good songs for my iPod, I’ll take a little anarchy…

Remember Kids, Spock rhymes with Rock.

Karl V. Miller
Captain

End Log.

Captains Log, Stardate 6-21-3-11

Have you ever noticed that there are no monkeys in Star Trek?

Don’t you think that’s kind of strange?

I mean as far as I know the first living creature to be launched into space was a monkey. Now the Russians may have lobbed a dog or two up there, but I’m pretty sure the chimp came first. Ironic then isn’t it to have a show based on futuristic space travel, spanning over 30 years of network and syndicated television entertainment, dealing with an awesome array of social, scientific and moral issues and yet not one mention of the furry primate pal who made it all possible.

(To be fair, Wesley does slightly resemble a hairless Rhesus, but I challenge you to find an episode where he plucks a tick off of Data’s hide.)

Since the Enterprise is all about exploration, it would seem to me that a “Curious George” type character would fit right in. Ensign Bobo. He wouldn’t have to be high rank or anything. Just give him a job where he doesn’t wear a red shirt and turn him loose. Hell make him the helmsman, the ship pretty much flies itself anyway. Or you could throw one in a shuttle craft, kind of like “B.J. and the Bear” in space.

Think of the cool opportunities the show is missing out on by not having one of our simian brothers represented in the hallowed halls of the Enterprise. Nemoy could have displayed his dramatic skills, admiring some intergalactic chimp for its simple yet undeniably perfect logic while frantically dodging ape feces. And just think of the endless laughs for bones, “Damn it Jim! I’m a doctor not a monkeys uncle!”

And imagine the comic relief possibilities for Scotty if he had some zany monkey always getting into trouble in engineering. “Bobo! hand me that monkey wrench!”
If they didn’t want to add a new primate character, they could just recast one of the current characters with a monkey. It wouldn’t be hard to write into the script. Just have Q get pissed off at someone and “Wammo!” the next thing you know, said crewmember is brachiating his way to Ten Forward so he can spend an hour or two grooming Guinan.

So the big question here is why aren’t there monkeys in Star Trek? Who knows, maybe monkeys have been eradicated in the future. Maybe mankind finally got a little too uncomfortable with his similarities to the little bastards and wiped them out. Or maybe Shatner had a problem sharing the green babes with another primate. He’d say, “No need for monkeys, we got Chekov and he looks like Davey Jones.”

Well, the truth is we don’t really know. But we do know that until a primate makes his way into the 24th century all of us are diminished in some respect. We look forward to the day that ALL races are equally represented in the future regardless of their genus, species or tendency to finger-paint with their own feces.

Karl V. Miller
Captain

End Log.