Well I’m a sittin’ on the Enterprise
Snackin’ on bourbon and replicated fries
Starin’ at the stars, I take another sip
Feels like my brain has abandoned ship

Spoke to a Vulcan just the other day
Said he had transferred from the Botany Bay
Said he liked it here cause we had plenty of beer
He was gettin’ drunk with some sort of bug in his ear

Red alert! My glass has gone dry
You better beam me up another shot of “No Kill I”
And while you’re at it please send me a yeoman or two
We’re gonna play a little game of Kobayashi Maru

I can’t believe it’s been about five years
That’s a lot of time and a lot of beer
Boldly drank my way through outer space
Bulge in my pants and a smile on my face

Captain said that I got no pride
That I’d be a disgrace till the day I die
Told me to quit my drinkin’, be a part of the crew
So I beamed him into space and grabbed another brew

And now I’m warpin’ here in my own ship
With a crew that’s too drunk to give me lip
Ain’t seen my Vulcan since yesterday
Bet he’s still pukin’ down in the cargo bay

Red alert! Pour me another shot
I wrote it into the script, I made it part of the plot
In fact, just go ahead and make it a cup
If I gotta beam down you better Jim Beam me up